to the faith half full

Oh hi hello. I don't normally do this blog thing, but I wanted to spare the room on your facebook feed. November 24th I hit my 1 year mark since being home from my mission. The road hasn't been easy, but I can't imagine the light without the darkness. I gave a talk in church last semester and felt inspired to share, so if you take the time to read this, I will definitely eat a York mint in your honor. I apologize in advance for any typos.

"I was asked to speak about something I have a testimony of or am currently developing a testimony of. Though life can seem often stagnant, our witness of all doctrinal truths is constantly growing. And immediately, my mind went to patience. I served in the Maryland Baltimore Mission, which is the most incredible thing I have ever done. My mission means everything to me. I learned so many things about God’s love, about His plan. The experiences I had are irreplaceable; as are the people I met. I started my mission thinking I was completely confident in what I was doing, when in reality I don’t think any missionary starting out really knows what they’re doing. But I knew why I was doing it, and that God was behind me. 

I faced trials just like every other missionary has- but there came a point when I was hit with a trial so deep on my mission, I felt that there was nothing left for me to do but quit. My trial was depression. My depression hit me like a boulder, and it was absolutely debilitating. Depression was starting to overtake my faith. I felt lost, confused, hopeless, and that God wasn’t there for me, more particularly, that He wasn’t listening or helping me. Never had I felt so alone. I feel like a lot of times in the gospel we focus on the Atonement and the enabling power it gives us, and we should. Joseph Smith said that the Atonement is the center of the Gospel and everything else in our religion is just an appendage to that. But sometimes I fear we are afraid to walk in the dark. We fear we’ve lost our faith and that God isn’t listening. We think, well maybe it’s me. Maybe if I had a little bit more faith God would help me. We wonder where He is and why the “power of the Atonement isn’t working in our lives.” But maybe it’s not that it isn’t working, maybe a part of that working is waiting and trusting. I believe that a big part of patience is trust. Trusting in that light at the end of the tunnel, and trusting that the Lord will see you through. 

Joseph Smith had numerous experiences of the reality of God and Jesus Christ, of Their majesty and power. He moved forward with God’s will and had an eye single to His glory. But only some know the details of what was one of the hardest points of Joseph’s life, when he was incarcerated at Liberty Jail. The food they were given was filthy, the room was small and freezing cold, and his band of followers were lost and in persecution. 

Joseph said of his experience in his letters that jail was “hell, surrounded with demons … our souls have been bowed down” Did Joseph not wonder why God had left him in such a situation? Section 121 tells of Joseph’s experience where he pleads with the Lord, “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them? Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.” The Lord responds, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” Because of his experience, we are left with some of the most beautiful and powerful chapters in the Doctrine and Covenants.

Another parallel is that of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His experiences in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross. In no way am I saying that any of our mortal experiences can compare to Christ’s suffering; but when we walk the bitter and lonely path, we can be assured that He has walked it first. 

When going to the Garden of Gethsemane, Matthew 26 reads, “And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy. Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me. And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” In that moment, while His disciples, His friends had left Him, He continued in faith in doing His Father’s will. 

Hours later while on the cross, “Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Did Christ not wonder in these pivitol moments of His life, where His Father was? And did our beloved Father in Heaven not weep at the sight of His only begotten son suffering for the blood and sins of all generations? Does He not weep at the sight of our struggles? We may have similar thoughts during out trials, troubles and tribulations. I know that for me I had those thoughts during my suffering while on my mission. 

But I have a testimony that our paths in darkness will always lead to the light if we walk in faith. When I hit that darkest part of my mission, I felt that the best decision was for me to go home. I prayed, I cried, I pleaded with God to take the pain away. One night as I was praying I heard a still small voice whisper to me, “Please don’t go. Just hold on a little bit longer. You are going to be able to do this.” And I was. My trial didn’t go away and neither did the pain from it. But I learned in those moments, that though we may be walking in the dark, we are always watched over. And if we do hold on during these moments of patient waiting, that they can change us. 

Elder Holland says, “Indeed, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced.” 

Dennis E. Simmons of the Seventy said in my favorite talk, “The Lord has given us agency, the right and the responsibility to decide. He tests us by allowing us to be challenged. He assures us that He will not suffer us to be tempted beyond our ability to withstand. But we must understand that great challenges make great men and women. We don’t seek tribulation, but if we respond in faith, the Lord strengthens us. The but if nots can become remarkable blessings...Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not...Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not...He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not...Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not...He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has.” 

I testify that God and our Savior Jesus Christ live, and that they care and love us more than we will ever know in this life. I have a testimony of patience; that holding on to even the slightest bit of faith can carry us through even the darkest of times. Those dark times that can become the moments that change us more into who He would have us be. As far from God as we may feel we are, that strength can reach every single one of us. Christ tells us in 3rd Nephi 15, “Behold, I am the Law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."